My foolproof predictions for the second half of the season:
+ Trying to score from first on a ground ball to the pitcher, Washington Nationals’ All-Star outfielder Bryce Harper trips on his ego rounding third, falls flat on his face, and is placed on the 50-day DL with a severe case of aggravated narcissism.
+ The drought-stricken Los Angeles Angels trade Mike Trout to the Boston Red Sox for Mike Carp, the entire cod fishery off the New England coast, and two Great Lakes to be named later. Dodgers fans smell something fishy and Red Sox Nation of course carps about it.
+ Derek Jeter is named Rookie of the Month for August when it is determined that the reconstituted Yankee captain is actually a cyborg and thus qualifies as a rookie.
+ If you are Rod Allen, you are looking to use this syntactic construction as often as possible and therefore you are going to set a new record with 132 mentions of the word “therefore” and 117 uses of the phrase “if you are…” in a single broadcast.
+ If, however, you are Mario Impemba, you will feel compelled to remind your audience at least once a game that the Tigers will have to score some runs to win the game.
+ The parents of Jhonny Peralta, Wily Peralta, and Welington Castillo will be ordered to attend remedial spelling classes.
+ The Tigers will lose the seventh game of the World Series when Jim Leyland chooses to let Phil Coke pitch to Yasiel Puig in the ninth inning of a tie game, and Puig homers to win it. Even in Cuba they always thirst for Coke.